Dear Amy: I’ve been dating an old high school romance for six years.
We reconnected after his wife left him for another man and he had started dating other women, including me.
I was his confidante for many months, and our friendship turned to commitment.
He has insisted on keeping all of his exes as “friends,” despite their aversion for me as the competition.
One ex cuts his hair, his ex-wife borrows money and watches his dog, and yet another is his insurance agent.
While I don’t suspect there is a physical relationship at this moment, I find it disrespectful that he has not ended casual communication with them.
I’ve both asked and demanded that they disconnect, as I find it deeply disrespectful from all of them.
They text him even during our vacations, and he has now pulled in the insurance agent to provide group insurance for his new employer.
He is intensely jealous of my other prior relationships, and I have never brought them into our lives, or given him reason to distrust me.
I’ve drawn the line multiple times and yet it is an ongoing issue that upsets me deeply.
Is it too much to ask for him to disconnect out of respect for my feelings and the future of the relationship?
Dear Heartbroken: You describe your guy’s “intense jealousy” over your previous relationships, and you are also intensely jealous over his. This presents red flags regarding the health of your relationship.
In a healthy relationship, both parties take the others’ comfort into account. Demands don’t need to be issued — or ignored.
It’s possible that because your guy’s ex-wife dumped him, he is determined never to be quite so exclusive — or vulnerable — again.
You two obviously have a different conception of what it means to be “committed” to one another. If this tension is a continuing source of pain and discord for you, you should reconsider your commitment.
Dear Amy: I have known “Stacy” since junior high school; we are now in our early 60s.
Whenever Stacy and I would meet up at a restaurant, I would always volunteer to drive to her city to make it easier for her, because she and her husband share a car (and he needs it to get to work). I have been doing this for 14 years.
I was laid off from my job, and since my car is old, in February 2020, I told Stacy that I was “babying my car to make it last longer.”
In early March 2020, I suggested we meet for breakfast in my town (about 18 miles from her). She responded with “Well, we are babying our car, so….”
She not only refused to reciprocate the driving duties, but she mimicked what I had said to her the previous month! I was stunned and highly offended. We have had no contact since then.
Sadly, I can’t get past this incident. We have friends in the same circle, and I dread the day she asks me to pick her up to attend a mutual social engagement, which is something I will no longer do.
What do I say if she suggests breakfast (near her, of course) or asks for a ride to our friend’s house?
Dear Appalled: Given the tension between you two — and the fact that you old friends have not had any contact throughout the entire pandemic period — it seems unlikely that “Stacy” will call upon you to provide transportation. If she does contact you, you could bring up the somewhat mocking response that has bothered you so much.
One advantage of having a friendship on (or over) the line is that you can express yourself, respectfully, without fear that you will damage the relationship further.
Life is short. Your friendship is very long. I hope that you will eventually be able to clear the air.
Dear Amy: Your answer to the “Tennis Bums” was wrong.
It would be perfectly appropriate to politely ask the soccer player to find another place to practice. His practice against the tennis fence would be very distracting.
I am sure he didn’t realize it — and would be happy to practice elsewhere.
The fact that he is Hispanic, and that soccer is such a popular sport should have nothing to do with it.
— A Tennis Player
Dear Player: No one liked my answer to the “Tennis Bums.” I did suggest they speak to the soccer player, but I also emphasized that this was a public park where a Wimbledon-like atmosphere was not in the cards.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
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